“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.