Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.