Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
😂😂😂
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it