I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Jail
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
PLOT TWIST:
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters