“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]