her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?
TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you
Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?
Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?