Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”


People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing


According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”


So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”


As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them


Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.


I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.


Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.


[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body