@CantWaitToNap

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

You Might Also Like

@YourMomsucksTho

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

@dumbbeezie

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them

@TheSweetestD_

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body