@VisionBored1

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

- @VisionBored1

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@randypaint

[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks

@Laser_Cat

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

@Marlebean

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

@AnOrangeSNES

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

@DaddyJew

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@kelkulus

Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.