Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.