@VisionBored1

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

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@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@TweetingDadGuy

Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.

@HeyZeus666

Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.

@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

@LindaInDisguise

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?