Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.


Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.


leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles


Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?


Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?