God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.