The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
S O O N
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts