My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I like crazy people until they notice me
wait.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this