Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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“Itself”
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“Itself”~History
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.