Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

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Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?



Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.


Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.


*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal


How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.


[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.


It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.


Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.