@CantWaitToNap

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

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@briancthayer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

@bartandsoul

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

@PresTightrhymes

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@gothicaseas

Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.

@davidkenny100

It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

@reputathebeauta

Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.