@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

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@LionessElise

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

@KeetPotato

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@zachbdunn

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@LizHackett

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

@AndyAsAdjective

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@Jessdaisy

Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.