“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Stonehinge
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?