Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Why is this me 😫
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate