Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Attacked by a mop.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.