“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
#parenting
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised