2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night