Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…
Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.
Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..
*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.