How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.