Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero