@AngryBlackLady

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

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@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@UncleDuke1969

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@daliamalek

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s justΒ u only visit me when ur sick

@NotUrGumar

Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.