Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.


Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair

She says she didn’t do it

Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her


Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.


what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*


Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.


“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.


Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.