Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco