@JohnLyonTweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

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@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

@XplodingUnicorn

Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair

She says she didn’t do it

Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her

@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@ShootyDoody

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

@murrman5

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@kumailn

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.

@Desert_Musings

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.