“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.