Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!