“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.