“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*