oh no, steve’s working tonight
You Might Also Like
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.