Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.


If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”


Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.


When I say books rule you say shhhh



Librarian: SHHHH!


Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah


My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve


KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious


My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.


my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE