Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“What?”
– Jude
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Never forget.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?