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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.


Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁


Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.


[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?


That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th


If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…


*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.