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@PaperWash

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

@cravin4

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

@hereholddeez

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@WildeThingy

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

@PinkCamoTO

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

@naazihah

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@BoogTweets

A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching