@KalvinMacleod
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
@Ideal_Victoria
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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@KalvinMacleod
@AnnietheNanny1
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
@LateNightSeth
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
@TOMayorFord
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
@bea_ker
[2025]
Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous
*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*
@TheWidowmakerX
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
@tiemoose
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
@sarahjoyshockey
omg leave her alone
@ArfMeasures
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
@ThugRaccoons
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.