911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous
*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
omg leave her alone
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.