Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@perhapssomeday

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

@omgthatspunny

I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.