@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

You Might Also Like

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@linanneblack

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@thefosterer

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@illiter8too

Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS