@KrissiBex
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
@yogaknifefight
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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@KrissiBex
@AdamUrbane
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
@TheWadest
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
@daobviousturtle
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
@linanneblack
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
@NervousJr
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
@AbbyHasIssues
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
@thefosterer
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
@scottdedalus
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
@illiter8too
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS