Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone


If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.


FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”


The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.


The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.


Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.


Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-