@djdarrellripley

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

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@JKNenagh

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, “Sounds like somebody needed a friend”

@TheBoydP

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

@GingerHotDish

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@aissalanis

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

@dorsalstream

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.