@djdarrellripley

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

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@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

@Try2StopME

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

@iamspacegirl

pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-tentacles.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.

@donni

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.