Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.