@Grommit56

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

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@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@sophielou

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

@Rollinintheseat

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@jackdwagner

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

@tchrquotes

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@Henry_3000

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.