My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*parents come into my room*
“We need to talk to you… We think you’re an owl.”
*turns neck all the way around to face them*
“Who- I MEAN WHY”
GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…
Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.
Me: what are you doing?
AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.
Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns