@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

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@cambuslad

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

@Girl15Gone

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@GeauxSaints79

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”

@SatansTongue

He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?

@awescar

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.