@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

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@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

@MatCro

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

@Stella1070

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

@IRLPepperMD

*parents come into my room*
“We need to talk to you… We think you’re an owl.”
*turns neck all the way around to face them*
“Who- I MEAN WHY”

@ArfMeasures

GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds

@greg_vee

If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

@Rica_Bee

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@hermanntrude

Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.

Me: what are you doing?

AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.

Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns

*Shunning intensifies*