@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

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@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

@JustMeTurtle

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

@MomofTeen

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@kiebi

It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

@cryptomanran

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

@hermanntrude

Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..

Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

@KentWGraham

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle