Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

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[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”


My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.


My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over


A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?


Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..

Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…


“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy


How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle