Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
This will teach them to underestimate me
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.