Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.