“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
#oldknees
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.