@SoVeryBritish

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@TheProvenFacts

The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

@Brampersandon_

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

@iwearaonesie

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

@clark_gasm

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

@bonehugsnirony

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@dumbbeezie

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him