Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait