Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.