oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.


Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.


I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.


BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.


Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders


Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol


[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you


I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.


I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there


when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height