I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height