oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*watches the world burn*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure