“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

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It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.


[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree


*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*


*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag


I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*


My seat heaters have three settings:

1) pleasantly warm
2) nice and toasty
3) experience the surface of the sun


Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones


You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.


Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere


little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies