“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Oh my God.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla