Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it


Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.


Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.


*Rains pennies from heaven*
*coins decimate the land
[terrified scream]


Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.


Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?


“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
Doctor of Fine Arts


ME to BF: “We need to talk about the future.” BF: “what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?”


Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.


My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA