Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
They’re on their honeymoon
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.