Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place