Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT