Oh so you like stuff? Name three stuff.

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Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.


The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.


*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”


I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)


Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.


That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…


If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.


*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*