@ShellHasDragons

Oh so you like stuff? Name three stuff.

You Might Also Like

@BradBroaddus

Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

@TheTweetOfGod

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

@Spaziotwat

*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”

@ohpegah

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@jayonguitar

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.

@elynnbarlow

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*