My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
X-tra spooky blend
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
looks legit