This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Brilliant!
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*