Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.