Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
You Might Also Like
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
How old are you?
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear