Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.


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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.


“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood


[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a



My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.


My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.


Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.


7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?


I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”


therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life

me: [nods] stop eating vegetables

therapist: no