
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Oh Subway
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
Sincerely;
Guys
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear