ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Worlds greatest photobomb
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!