Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.


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Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*


How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*


Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.


ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf


Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%


If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.


If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear