Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

@JoParkerBear

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

@BunAndLeggings

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

@Sarcasticsapien

Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

@TheToddWilliams

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

@EJGomez

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

@blondebombs

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@DavidKinney

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear