Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@rolldiggity

“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@DrakeGatsby

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@SlabBaconBP

My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@the_anastasia

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@leakypod

therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life

me: [nods] stop eating vegetables

therapist: no