A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
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“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life
me: [nods] stop eating vegetables