Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
God: *creates dogs*
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.