I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
no one likes gloating
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.