Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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i meant to share this earlier
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Put a ring on it
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”